The Ending of the Night

by Eli Kwake

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1.
Dear Selah Lilani 05:52
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Dear Selah Lilani, It’s so good to write to you This will not be easy But it’s something I must do They may never understand The reason for this song I’m not writing it to them But for one for whom I long I will never get to see your face But you are the one my mind just can’t erase Dear Selah Lilani You did nothing wrong But I cannot have you And that’s why I wrote this song Dear Selah Lilani I want what I never had What I want is you And that might be why I’m sad Dear Aidan Mackenzie, It’s so good to write to you I just wrote to your sister And I should see this through This song it just gets harder The longer that I sing But I owe this to both of us So I will do this thing I will never get to see your face But you are the one my mind just can’t erase Dear Aidan Mackenzie You did nothing wrong But I cannot have you And that’s why I wrote this song Dear Aidan Mackenzie I want what I never had What I want is you And that might be why I’m sad It is not right And it is not fair The way people say That I never cared Dear Elisha Hope My heart goes out to you You have it the hardest And you don’t know what to do You’re the one who has to live With the choices and the blame With what you cannot have With the burden of their names You will never get to see their face But they are the ones your mind just can’t erase Dear Elisha Hope You did nothing wrong But you cannot have them And that’s why you wrote this song Dear Elisha Hope You want what you never had But you are still blameless So try not to be sad
2.
Writing A Story 04:09
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We all start out on November 1st With our pens pressed to our hearts Staring at our documents As we make our new starts 50,000 words in one month Might just be insane But there's all these words Sitting up here in my brain Writing a story, Tell me where's it gunna go? Writing a story, Tell me, do I even know? Writing a story Looking so much like a pro. Writing a story During NaNoWriMo Somewhere around November 10th The story starts to drag It started out so great But now I no longer brag Maybe I was crazy to say I could do this thing But I remember week one And my heart starts to sing Writing a story, Tell me where's it gunna go? Writing a story, Tell me, do I even know? Writing a story Looking not much like a pro. Writing a story During NaNoWriMo Around November 20 It's Thanksgiving I hear Four days off maybe I Can catch up this year? I’m so close to my goal I just need 20 K I hope that I can read My story someday Writing a story, Tell me where's it gunna go? Writing a story, Tell me, do I even know? Writing a story Looking kind of like a pro. Writing a story During NaNoWriMo December's here and to my shock I finished my book I go to all my friends Ask them to take a look I survived, TGIO See you all next year I better tell my family That I didn't disappear I wrote a story, I know where its gunna go! I wrote a story, I wrote a whole book, y'know? I wrote a story Looking so much like a pro. I wrote a story During NaNoWriMo
3.
Dear Nana 03:39
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Dear Nana up in heaven I don’t know what to say I have many reasons To talk with you today Maybe it’s my garden Maybe it’s my name Maybe it’s just nothing Will ever be the same Dear Nana up in heaven I don’t know what to do That is why I’m singing This song today for you Should I be a writer Of music or of books? I know that it’s not easy It’s harder than it looks Dear Nana, I just miss you I know that you are gone I’m just kind of hurting And trying to move on Dear Nana up in heaven I don’t know who to be When everyone is screaming That I should not be me I know you would have told me To just be who I am And Nana I’m trying I’m doing what I can Dear Nana, I just miss you I know that you are gone I’m just kind of hurting And trying to move on Dear Nana up in heaven I don’t know what to say Don’t know if you can hear me But I know I’m not okay Dear Nana, I just miss you I wish that you were here But everything is changing And we’re all living in fear Dear Nana, I am trying Sometimes I want to cry Most days I can smile Most days I wonder why Dear Nana, it’s a process That I’m still working through Dear Nana, I just miss you Do you miss me too? Do you miss me too?
4.
At This Time Of Year 02:32
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At this time of year In the midst of all this madness When all I can recall From this time last year is blackness I have just a few things That I would like to say As long as I can get a minute An hour, or a day Can everybody hear me? Tell me, is this thing on? There’s a lot in the world Maybe it’s time for a song At this time of year Please remember through the badness That the people that you’re missing Well, they might be filled with sadness Please reach out a hand And tell them “It will be okay Today it might be stormy weather Tomorrow, a cabaret” If anyone is listening to this Do you understand? We’re all in this together And we’re walking hand in hand At this time of year I remember my past sorrow And I’m grateful for the people That I’ll talk to tomorrow Each of them is a hand that I’m reaching out to hold They all give me courage When I’m not feeling that bold This song is a message And I’m singing it to you Stormy weather’s coming But together we’ll get through
5.
Gods and Angels 04:42
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All the gods and angels, are you listening to me? I have never been the best follower, you see I barely believe in what I can see and touch And so I don’t believe in gods and angels that much Personal disaster brings out the worst in me I don’t like who I am, I don’t like who I’ll be Reaching out for help that I have not earned at all I’m trying to fly when I know that I should fall If any gods are listening, I don’t know what to say I know what I have lost now; I wish it was okay I don’t really pray and I do not like to ask For what I know is an impossible task So instead I’m asking for strength I know I’ve got Help me find it now, I’m not asking a lot All the gods and angels that I don’t believe in Forgive me for this weakness, forgive me for this sin All the gods and angels, are you listening to me? It sometimes feels like I’m alone, adrift and lost at sea The sea is grief and pain, and I know I’m not okay But thank you all for listening to my song today All my friends and family, please reach out a hand Lead me from this darkness, lend me the strength to stand More than gods and angels, I am now looking to you To find my way in darkness, to show me what to do
6.
Invisibility Anthem 03:52
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I thought that I knew me But you say I do not I know I am still learning But I have learned a lot You come in and try to say That what I’ve learned is wrong So I guess that you’re the reason That I have to write this song I am not invisible And I am not confused If you say you disagree I am not amused I’m not really looking for A different point of view I know what I am and I know What I am not too So here’s your point of view back You can shove it up your ass I’m old enough and wise enough To know you have no class I am not invisible And I am not confused But you say you disagree And I am not amused This song, it goes out To every bi and every pan To all the genderfluid To every ace, to all the trans We exist and we have rights And yes we have a voice We can shout and we can sing What we are is not a choice We are not invisible And we are not confused If you say you disagree We are not amused We are not invisible And yes our gender is real Sometimes it is hard to say What exact gender we feel We are not invisible And we love who we love And if that’s every gender We still love who we love We are not invisible I see the aces too Your voice is also valid I did not forget about you We are not invisible And we won’t disappear So stop erasing bi people Aces and genderqueers
7.
Possessed 02:23
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Who are you with the silent eyes Staring at me from the mirror? Why do you look so surprised? Surely the question is clear I know your face, your countenance I know who you once were I know your laugh and why you cry I know your greatest fear Why is sunshine now hard to stand? Why hide from the wind? You say your soul is dark enough But how, then, have you sinned? You cry alone in the dark of night You speak only when pressed Can anybody save you now? What has you so possessed?
8.
Light 03:47
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I wish that I could tell you Everything will be okay The future is a mystery Or at least that’s what they say Trapped here in the darkness It is hard to find the light Waiting as we all are for The ending of the night But you should look around you There’s still hope to be found Or have you not noticed There’s shadows on the ground? There is light from somewhere And I know it is from you So here’s a special thank you For all the things you do Light in the darkness Helping hand and friend Sing away my sorrows And lead me home again If you see only shadows The light’s coming from you So keep your light a-shining And I’ll try shining too The world fell into shadow You lit a candle in the dark Instead of waiting, hopeless You kindled a spark You have kept the flame lit You have kept the light Through the doubt and darkness Of this unending night Light in the darkness Helping hand and friend Sing away my sorrows And lead me home again If you see only shadows The light’s coming from you So keep your light a-shining And I’ll try shining too I wish that I had words for The hope you’ve given me I know what it looks like The shadows that you see It’s hard to hold the candles And keep them shining bright But know the dawn is coming The ending of the night Light in the darkness Helping hand and friend Sing away my sorrows And lead me home again If you see only shadows The light’s coming from you So keep your light a-shining And I’ll try shining too
9.
I Have Seen the Darkness 03:44
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Silence in the hallway And in the living room It was probably midnight I wished it was noon I should have been sleeping Well, it’s not like I didn’t try But something there was coming And I wondered why Was it something I had seen before? Or? Was it something different? Was it something more? I have a confession A secret that I know I have seen the darkness I have watched it grow Silence in my bedroom Silence in the hall I wanted to be running But I couldn’t move at all I could feel it creeping From the hallway through my door I was barely breathing As it crept across the floor Was it something I had seen before? Or? Was it something different? Was it something more? I have a confession A secret that I know I have seen the darkness I have watched it grow Darkness there behind me Reaching out to touch I wished I was screaming But I guess it was too much I felt it for a moment Covering my face The last thing I remember Is the cold of its embrace Was it something I had seen before? Or? Was it something different? Was it something more? I have a confession A secret that I know I’m part of the darkness I still watch it grow Yes, I no longer wonder What happens when you die I wonder if you’ll ask me I wonder if you’ll try?
10.
Three Times True 03:46
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Three times true as the old ones say Three times said as the light dies away Hopes and dreams come here to die As I sing my lullaby Let me sing you a spell Is this heaven or hell? Three times true as the old ones say Three times done by the light of day Fickle friends, a suspicious mind Do not seek, you will always find Let me sing you a spell Is this heaven or hell? Three time true as the old ones say I did not speak, I just went away I sang songs on the hanging tree As they tied that noose on me Let me sing you a spell Where is heaven or hell? Hopes and dream come here to die As I sing my lullaby I’m still at the hanging tree Can anybody hear me?
11.
Young Elisha 03:15
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Young Elisha, It’s good to write’cha It’s hard to know what to say You are dreaming But filled with meaning And some of your dreams went away Dreams aren’t often a place I can go Too much I’ve seen, now, and too much I know Young Elisha, It’s good to write’cha I thought about you tonight Somethin’ you’re dreamin’ Was taken and eaten And somehow I must make things right Dreams aren’t often a place I can go Too much I’ve seen, now, and too much I know Young Elisha, It’s good to write’cha I wish that I had better news But I’m still fighting And I’m still writing It’s harder when you have to choose Dreams aren’t often a place I can go Too much I’ve seen, now, and too much I know Young Elisha, It’s good to write’cha I wish that I had more of you You were fearless And (mostly) careless And I don’t know what now to do Dreams aren’t often a place I can go Too much I’ve seen, now, and too much I know But I remember the dreams that you had And I am trying so please don’t be sad Young Elisha, It’s good to write’cha…
12.
Being This Way 03:01
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Can you recall Do you remember at all A query I made when I was three? I must have scared you Because you didn’t answer In a way that satisfied me I know it must be hard, my being this way But I need an answer to that question today Singing this song doesn’t fill me with joy But mommy, when will I be a real boy? Do you understand? I’m not a woman or a man I am something somewhere in the in-between Neither son nor daughter I know it’s kind of awkward Not knowing what to call me I know it must be hard, my being this way I just want you to call me ‘Eli’ today Singing this song is a dizzy kind of whirl But mommy, when will I be a real girl? Do you remember From that cold December The words that I wrote down in verse? You did not acknowledge The words I had written And somehow that made everything worse It’s so hard for me, you being this way I don’t know how else to talk to you today When singing this song almost fills me with fear But can’t you see, Mom? I’m genderqueer
13.
Over the Rainbow Bridge 04:24
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This will not be happy But this will not be sad I know what I have lost But I know what I have had Looking back I wonder How will I get by? I have got to smile But mostly I want to cry Over the rainbow bridge There’s a boy I know Who loves to jump and play Who runs to and fro Over the rainbow bridge There’s a boy I love He’s the one I sing for Who I’m dreaming of Can I lay my head down And put myself to bed? I wish that I could silence The memories in my head Sleeping sound behind me While I tried to write Coming up to cuddle While I tried to sleep at night Over the rainbow bridge There’s a boy I know Who loves to jump and play Who runs to and fro Over the rainbow bridge There’s a boy I love He’s the one I sing for Who I’m dreaming of Somehow I have got to Teach myself to let him go Better that he’s gone than that He suffer, even so Over the rainbow bridge Is a boy that I miss If I could see him now I would try to tell him this: Over the rainbow bridge There’s a field of green With lots of birds to chase Such a wonderous scene I will meet you there When I’m old and gray For now you go ahead Yes go on and play Over the rainbow bridge There’s a boy I know Who loves to jump and play Who runs to and fro Over the rainbow bridge There’s a boy I love He’s the one I sing for Who I’m dreaming of
14.
Hope 02:15
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Hope is hard in the darkness Where there’s no light to see When you’re ten feet underground Or you’re trying not to drown But hold, please hold, you will see Life is hard at the present It feels like you or me But we’re walking hand in hand Struggling through the sinking sand So hold, please hold, you will see The twists and turns of life The struggles and the strife The hills and valleys low Life is a fight, I know But keep on fighting through I’ll keep on fighting too And someday hope and light Will make the world shine bright Hope is hard at the moment I think we all agree But life’s a funny thing With the hope and pain it brings So hold, please hold, you will see Yes, hold, please hold, you will see
15.
F*cks to Give 03:57
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I have no more fucks to give is what I often say When I’m tired and afraid and having a bad day When I hurt in ways that I do not want to explore I try to convince myself I don’t feel anymore If I have no feelings I can do anything No matter what the consequence or the pain it brings I can lose the ones I love and still it is okay So better not to give a fuck is what I often say I have no more fucks to give about the things I see About the people dying when they should be running free I don’t care about the guns the instruments of death I just don’t have any fucks or fucking feelings left Every time I think this way it cuts me to the bone… I think I need to make a change and leave that thought alone I have every fucking fuck to give about all things I know life is hard and it is often pain it brings I have many fucks to give about what people say I might be tired and I’m scared, but it will be okay! I have passed through shadows black and to the light again I have lost my family, and I have lost my friends Even when I’m hurting and all I can do is cry I remember once upon a time I almost died Because I tried to give no fucks and push away the pain But I remember what I lost and what, in turn, I gained I have many fucks to give about these seventeen years Since I almost said “no more” and gave in to my fears I now have a husband and a niece and nephews too Plus a thousand other things that I can hold onto So if you have no fucks to give remember: life is pain But when you lose something, there is something still to gain I have every fuck to give and that’s more than okay Because I have a reason now to see another day
16.
F*cks to Give Chipmonk 02:08
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I have no more fucks to give is what I often say When I’m tired and afraid and having a bad day When I hurt in ways that I do not want to explore I try to convince myself I don’t feel anymore If I have no feelings I can do anything No matter what the consequence or the pain it brings I can lose the ones I love and still it is okay So better not to give a fuck is what I often say I have no more fucks to give about the things I see About the children dying when they should be running free I don’t care about the guns the instruments of death I just don’t have any fucks or fucking feelings left Every time I think this way it cuts me to the bone I think I need to make a change and leave that thought alone I have every fucking fuck to give about all things I know life is hard and it is often pain it brings I have many fucks to give about what people say I might be tired and I’m scared, but it will be okay I have passed through shadows black and to the light again I have lost my family, and I have lost my friends Even when I’m hurting and all I can do is cry I remember once upon a time I almost died Because I tried to give no fucks and push away the pain I remember what I lost and what in turn I gained I have many fucks to give about these seventeen years Since I almost said no more and gave in to my fears I now have my husband and a niece and nephew too Plus a thousand other things that I can hold onto If you have no fucks to give, remember life is pain When you lose something, there’s something still to gain I have every fuck to give and that’s more than okay Because I have a reason now to see another day

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One day I sat down and compiled the songs I had written. I quickly realized I had enough more than enough for an album and slowly decided to do something with that.

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released September 22, 2022

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Eli Kwake Cathedral City, California

Eli Kwake started singing almost as soon as they started talking. They picked up ukulele considerably later, in 2017. Almost as soon as they could play four chords they started writing songs on it. When they aren't singing and playing songs, they're writing books. ... more

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